I Did It

I found him.

He came to me and asked for forgiveness.  He begged me and he was rotting, rotting already.

I took a knife.

And I murdered him for what he did to me.

I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed until he was dead and gone gone gone gone.

Daniel is dead.  D is dead.

I think he might've been dead before I even started cutting him.

And now he's on the floor.

And grey is covering him.  Like my bruises.  Like the shadows.

It's spreading as I sob.  Spreading up my arms and down my chest and to my face.

It's making me laugh.  Even though I'm crying it's making me laugh.  It's telling me that it's all over now.

Now I can rest.  I've done it.  Now it's over.

Because in the end, Boudica failed.  And now I've failed.

They're telling me to put the knife to my wrists.

There's nothing for me.

Nothing but pain because they won't let me be, they'll never let me.  I'm theirs, forever and I'd rather die anyway.  Rather die than have more of this.

I'm sorry, Faith.  I'm sorry mom and dad.

Goodbye.

giving in

might as well burn londinium to the ground

The Truth

When I was sixteen, I was at a party.  My friend, Jolene, was having her birthday.  Everyone was there, including my best friend.  His name was Daniel.  I kinda had a crush on him and I think he kinda had a  crush on me, but it wasn't anything serious.  It wasn't supposed to be anything serious.

We were hanging out and no one else was around, and I think someone spiked the punch because I didn't feel very well and D was drinking anyway and then he...started touching me.  I didn't want it and I told him but he kept going and I was scared but suddenly I was too off-balance and woozy to fight and I kept telling him to stop but he didn't stop he never stopped even though I spent the whole time begging him not too.

Afterwards I told my family what he did and he got arrested and put on trial but it was just a juvenile court and his dad was pretty well off.  He said that I begged for it the entire time.  He said it wasn't rape because I kept asking for it and he pretended to look so hurt by what I was saying and no one believed me except Faith.  Everyone at school called me a tease and a whore and a slut and Faith almost killed D, beat him so hard he needed to go to the hospital.  D's dad had to get a restraining order and he moved away and I never saw him again.

It just hurt so much he was my best friend and he hurt me and now everyone's reminding me and I just want to forget why won't the shadows let me forget?  Why did they hurt my brother and kill my mom and dad to make me remember?

rising

I think my parents are dead.

They're just lying here, still.  They're not breathing.

They came in to help me go to the hospital, and then they held their ears, and now they're dead.

I don't think Faith's dead.  His ears are bleeding and he's not moving but I don't think he's dead.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry, everyone.

I should have listened.

And now you've paid.

I'm going to leave now.  I'm going to do what they say.  I think the shadows are restless.  They don't like I've been ignoring them.

I'm sorry, Faith.  I'm going to call an ambulance once I've left.  I hope you're alright.

I'm sorry.

Poise and Rationality

I'm being sent off tomorrow.

Faith's in here, in my room, trying to make sure I don't hurt myself.  I tried to, yesterday.  He's not even letting my Boyfriend and my Roommate in.  I wish he wasn't letting himself in, too.  I don't think he's safe, here.  I don't think they like that he's here.

They won't stop.  Even with my brother here they won't stop.  But he doesn't hear them.  No one hears them.  Except me.  And they keep talking.  Whispering at me.  Taunting me.

I feel sick.  The grey on my arms is growing and I don't know why.  I don't think I bruised them.  I don't remember bruising them.

But I'm hearing things, so I guess I'm not the best judge.

They still want me to rise.  I don't want to.  I don't want to think about it.

I guess they'll make it so I won't.  They'll make it so I don't have to remember.

I'm not sure what I'll do if they don't.

i don't know

the shadows are telling me i broke it.  id ont know what i broke they say its ruined i don't know what's ruined

why did you do it it was perfect but i fucked up like a little whore because thats all i'm good for why won't they leave me aloen

they want me to kill someone they want me to kill him i know he hurt me he broke me and he should pay but i don't want to kill anyone i just want to move on why do they keep asking me why arm my arms so bruised why why did i break it its broken like im' broken its usless now just like me they keep telling me it was going just like his was and i don't know they say its imcomplete and it wont work but i don't know i dont know i dont know i just want to rest i just want to slkeep i want the shadows to stop talking please stop stop please please i don't want to i dont want to

boudica shouldnt rise but they wont let me sleep until sshe does

Eventuality

My parents have Faith is here keeping an eye on me.  Making sure I don't do anything rash.

It was just one sleeping pill.  I wasn't trying to kill myself.  I just didn't want any dreams.  I don't want to be awake, either.

They keep happening.  I dream I wake up and the shadows are talking to me.  They're telling me that revenge will solve all my problems.  They're telling me all I have to do is sever the source of my troubles and they'll all just  fade away.

That I have to rise.  Rise as Boudica.

But they're not just dreams anymore.  I catch whispers wherever I go.  At some point, the background noise gets dimmer and the shadows start whispering and they keep saying the same things.  I think I'm coming apart.

I don't know what to do.  I can't stop the voices.  I try to cover my ears but then I hear it in the sound of my ears being covered.

And when I do sleep, when I wake up...there are bruises on my arms.  Grey spots all over them.  What am I doing to myself?

Faith won't let me leave.  Not for any reason.  I guess it's for my own good.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  Am I really hearing voices?  Am I really going crazy?

Precautions

my parents are talking about having me committed.  just to be safe.

at least my final papers are getting postponed.  my finals too.  that's something but it's not enough.

it's not fair.

why doesn't anyone believe me?

they say they do, but no one's ever really believed me.

but people keep teasing me.  they keep sneering and mocking and i know they're doing it i can hear them why can't anyone else?

maybe i am crazy.  maybe but i don't feel crazy just frustrated and angry.

i'm getting so angry.  and i keep having these dreams.  the shadows want me to focus my anger on something but i don't want to remember that you can't make me remember that.

i think that pill is starting to work.

nap time.

Apology

I guess I got a little crazy last night. Sorry.  I just got really frustrated, you know?

Had a long talk with my Boyfriend today.  He's right, of course he's right.  I must be hearing things.  No teacher could just say that in the middle of class.  He'd be fired immediately!

Maybe....maybe I should check myself in somewhere for a while.  Maybe I have a chemical imbalance or something.  That's nothing to be ashamed of.  Lots of people need to take meds to get more functional in society.

I'll talk it over with my therapist.  Faith's girlfriend Daphne says I could probably get finals and final papers postponed if I get a note from my therapist, too.  So I can treat whatever's wrong with me.

Maybe this won't be so bad.  I can get through this.  I've gotten through so much else, I can definitely get through this.

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head

I don't know where to start.

One of my professors called me a whore on Friday.  I raised my hand, answered the question and he said, "I guess a whore's good for more than one thing sometimes."

The whole class laughed at me.  They just laughed and laughed and I ran out of the lecture hall.

And no one believes me.  Not even my therapist.  Not even my boyfriend.  They think I'm hearing things.  I'm starting to wonder if they've ever believed me.  If anyone's ever believed me.

I've just been crying all weekend.  My Roommate keeps trying to talk to me but I don't want to talk to her.

It's not fair.  I know saying that sounds like something a brat would say, but it's true.  I just want a break.  It's like the universe or my brain or something doesn't want me to forget and just move on and be happy.

I want to be happy.  I miss being happy.  My therapist just tells me I need to try.  She says that I like being miserable, that it's so comfortable I just assume the worst out of everything rather than try to make my life easier, but it's not true.  It's not, I hate this, I hate it so much but no one will let me be happy, just be happy, just once.

I just want to be happy.  It's not too much to ask.  Just let me go on.  Just let me let go.  Please.  It was so much better when I didn't remember.

I know I never forgot, but I stopped thinking about it, and that's the same, right?  I can be happy when I'm not thinking about it.  But no one lets me stop thinking about it anymore and I can't take it.

I just can't take it.

I had a dream the other night.  I guess I've kept having it, every week or so.  I'm lying in bed and the streetlights are coming in and I can see the shadows on my wall, and then every sound in my room, every sound goes quiet, and the shadows start to whisper to me.

The tell me, "Arise, Boudica!"


It's what I named my blog after.  I just thought it sounded cool but maybe I should do what my subconscious is telling me.  Maybe  I should stop letting myself be wronged.

Maybe I should prove that these people are hurting me.

Maybe I should start hurting them back.

You Never Know

Have some free time, finally, now that it's break, so I thought I'd update this.  Things have been going...well.  Mostly well, anyway.   It's just hard sometimes, you know?  Nothing's really happened to me, just been sad, a lot.  Getting sad pretty often these days.  Not sure why.  Maybe it's the seasons changing.

But school, relationships, and family are all going well.  Faith's girlfriend is really, really cool.

I have some more family togetherness to get to!  I'll try to keep this updated more often.

<3

My Therapy

I had my first new session today.

I hate therapy.  I hate letting everything out.  There are just things I don't like to talk about.

She was really nice, though.  The therapist, I mean.  She listened and it didn't feel like she was judging me.  It was a good thing, though, even if I wasn't really comfortable with it.

The other people waiting, though...I swear they were whispering about me on my way out.  The Boyfriend says I'm just anxious and depressed and that's affecting my view of others.  He's probably right.

Otherwise the week's going great, though.  I'm nervous about all those papers I turned in, though.  Especially since I have like three more due on Monday.

Some days it does not pay to be a senior in rhet.

Slightly Better

Doing a bit better now, mostly because I'm busy!  It is mid-term paper season, and in addition to my 400-level rhet papers, I had the brilliant idea to take some 400-level lit classes this year too.  Oh well, at least I like writing papers.

So glad I decided against the high level sciences this semester.  That'd be next semester.

Science is pretty amazing, though, so that'll be a fun way to close out my last semester.

Anyway, two papers down, two to go!

<3 everybody who made me feel better over the weekend.  You know who you are!

A Bad Day

So I had an off day.  It's to be expected, really.

I know I should go back to therapy but I honestly thought I was starting to improve, you know?  I thought I'd had a breakthrough.

Then, when I was walking across the quad, some random group of jerks yelled at me.  Yelled that I was a whore.

I know they were just being mean to be mean, but no one reacted.  No one called them on it and I just put my head down and took the abuse.

I've been here in my apartment sobbing for a while.  I called off work and skipped the rest of my classes for the day.  My roommate was super cool, though.  She went out and got me some ice cream.  I feel a little better now, but I'm starting to think I should call up the student clinic and restart therapy.  Normal people don't fall apart from one insult.

What sort of world do we live in, where someone can just scream insults at you and no one does anything about it?

I need a hug.  I'll be sure to keep this thing updated.

Waxing Romantic

I <3 him so much.

If you need me, I'll be over here, swooning.

Also, scrambling like mad to finish this paper, but mostly swooning.

Day One!

Hey everyone!  Welcome to my blog!

My name's Charity Hopewell (yes that is my real name.  Hey, at least I'm not my brother Faith), and I'm a senior in rhetoric.  I'm not comfortable giving out more information than that, though.  Sorry!

...I just realized that giving out my name might not be the best idea.  Oh well!  It may be a silly name but I like it too much to use  a different one.

Anyway, just starting a blog because it seems like everyone's starting them these days!  It's all I ever hear anyone talking about on campus.

Anyway, I have a study-date with the Boyfriend!  See you all later!

<3 Charity