Friday, December 30, 2011

I Did It

I found him.

He came to me and asked for forgiveness.  He begged me and he was rotting, rotting already.

I took a knife.

And I murdered him for what he did to me.

I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed until he was dead and gone gone gone gone.

Daniel is dead.  D is dead.

I think he might've been dead before I even started cutting him.

And now he's on the floor.

And grey is covering him.  Like my bruises.  Like the shadows.

It's spreading as I sob.  Spreading up my arms and down my chest and to my face.

It's making me laugh.  Even though I'm crying it's making me laugh.  It's telling me that it's all over now.

Now I can rest.  I've done it.  Now it's over.

Because in the end, Boudica failed.  And now I've failed.

They're telling me to put the knife to my wrists.

There's nothing for me.

Nothing but pain because they won't let me be, they'll never let me.  I'm theirs, forever and I'd rather die anyway.  Rather die than have more of this.

I'm sorry, Faith.  I'm sorry mom and dad.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Truth

When I was sixteen, I was at a party.  My friend, Jolene, was having her birthday.  Everyone was there, including my best friend.  His name was Daniel.  I kinda had a crush on him and I think he kinda had a  crush on me, but it wasn't anything serious.  It wasn't supposed to be anything serious.

We were hanging out and no one else was around, and I think someone spiked the punch because I didn't feel very well and D was drinking anyway and then he...started touching me.  I didn't want it and I told him but he kept going and I was scared but suddenly I was too off-balance and woozy to fight and I kept telling him to stop but he didn't stop he never stopped even though I spent the whole time begging him not too.

Afterwards I told my family what he did and he got arrested and put on trial but it was just a juvenile court and his dad was pretty well off.  He said that I begged for it the entire time.  He said it wasn't rape because I kept asking for it and he pretended to look so hurt by what I was saying and no one believed me except Faith.  Everyone at school called me a tease and a whore and a slut and Faith almost killed D, beat him so hard he needed to go to the hospital.  D's dad had to get a restraining order and he moved away and I never saw him again.

It just hurt so much he was my best friend and he hurt me and now everyone's reminding me and I just want to forget why won't the shadows let me forget?  Why did they hurt my brother and kill my mom and dad to make me remember?

Sunday, December 18, 2011


I think my parents are dead.

They're just lying here, still.  They're not breathing.

They came in to help me go to the hospital, and then they held their ears, and now they're dead.

I don't think Faith's dead.  His ears are bleeding and he's not moving but I don't think he's dead.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry, everyone.

I should have listened.

And now you've paid.

I'm going to leave now.  I'm going to do what they say.  I think the shadows are restless.  They don't like I've been ignoring them.

I'm sorry, Faith.  I'm going to call an ambulance once I've left.  I hope you're alright.

I'm sorry.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Poise and Rationality

I'm being sent off tomorrow.

Faith's in here, in my room, trying to make sure I don't hurt myself.  I tried to, yesterday.  He's not even letting my Boyfriend and my Roommate in.  I wish he wasn't letting himself in, too.  I don't think he's safe, here.  I don't think they like that he's here.

They won't stop.  Even with my brother here they won't stop.  But he doesn't hear them.  No one hears them.  Except me.  And they keep talking.  Whispering at me.  Taunting me.

I feel sick.  The grey on my arms is growing and I don't know why.  I don't think I bruised them.  I don't remember bruising them.

But I'm hearing things, so I guess I'm not the best judge.

They still want me to rise.  I don't want to.  I don't want to think about it.

I guess they'll make it so I won't.  They'll make it so I don't have to remember.

I'm not sure what I'll do if they don't.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

i don't know

the shadows are telling me i broke it.  id ont know what i broke they say its ruined i don't know what's ruined

why did you do it it was perfect but i fucked up like a little whore because thats all i'm good for why won't they leave me aloen

they want me to kill someone they want me to kill him i know he hurt me he broke me and he should pay but i don't want to kill anyone i just want to move on why do they keep asking me why arm my arms so bruised why why did i break it its broken like im' broken its usless now just like me they keep telling me it was going just like his was and i don't know they say its imcomplete and it wont work but i don't know i dont know i dont know i just want to rest i just want to slkeep i want the shadows to stop talking please stop stop please please i don't want to i dont want to

boudica shouldnt rise but they wont let me sleep until sshe does

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


My parents have Faith is here keeping an eye on me.  Making sure I don't do anything rash.

It was just one sleeping pill.  I wasn't trying to kill myself.  I just didn't want any dreams.  I don't want to be awake, either.

They keep happening.  I dream I wake up and the shadows are talking to me.  They're telling me that revenge will solve all my problems.  They're telling me all I have to do is sever the source of my troubles and they'll all just  fade away.

That I have to rise.  Rise as Boudica.

But they're not just dreams anymore.  I catch whispers wherever I go.  At some point, the background noise gets dimmer and the shadows start whispering and they keep saying the same things.  I think I'm coming apart.

I don't know what to do.  I can't stop the voices.  I try to cover my ears but then I hear it in the sound of my ears being covered.

And when I do sleep, when I wake up...there are bruises on my arms.  Grey spots all over them.  What am I doing to myself?

Faith won't let me leave.  Not for any reason.  I guess it's for my own good.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  Am I really hearing voices?  Am I really going crazy?