Precautions

my parents are talking about having me committed.  just to be safe.

at least my final papers are getting postponed.  my finals too.  that's something but it's not enough.

it's not fair.

why doesn't anyone believe me?

they say they do, but no one's ever really believed me.

but people keep teasing me.  they keep sneering and mocking and i know they're doing it i can hear them why can't anyone else?

maybe i am crazy.  maybe but i don't feel crazy just frustrated and angry.

i'm getting so angry.  and i keep having these dreams.  the shadows want me to focus my anger on something but i don't want to remember that you can't make me remember that.

i think that pill is starting to work.

nap time.

Apology

I guess I got a little crazy last night. Sorry.  I just got really frustrated, you know?

Had a long talk with my Boyfriend today.  He's right, of course he's right.  I must be hearing things.  No teacher could just say that in the middle of class.  He'd be fired immediately!

Maybe....maybe I should check myself in somewhere for a while.  Maybe I have a chemical imbalance or something.  That's nothing to be ashamed of.  Lots of people need to take meds to get more functional in society.

I'll talk it over with my therapist.  Faith's girlfriend Daphne says I could probably get finals and final papers postponed if I get a note from my therapist, too.  So I can treat whatever's wrong with me.

Maybe this won't be so bad.  I can get through this.  I've gotten through so much else, I can definitely get through this.

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head

I don't know where to start.

One of my professors called me a whore on Friday.  I raised my hand, answered the question and he said, "I guess a whore's good for more than one thing sometimes."

The whole class laughed at me.  They just laughed and laughed and I ran out of the lecture hall.

And no one believes me.  Not even my therapist.  Not even my boyfriend.  They think I'm hearing things.  I'm starting to wonder if they've ever believed me.  If anyone's ever believed me.

I've just been crying all weekend.  My Roommate keeps trying to talk to me but I don't want to talk to her.

It's not fair.  I know saying that sounds like something a brat would say, but it's true.  I just want a break.  It's like the universe or my brain or something doesn't want me to forget and just move on and be happy.

I want to be happy.  I miss being happy.  My therapist just tells me I need to try.  She says that I like being miserable, that it's so comfortable I just assume the worst out of everything rather than try to make my life easier, but it's not true.  It's not, I hate this, I hate it so much but no one will let me be happy, just be happy, just once.

I just want to be happy.  It's not too much to ask.  Just let me go on.  Just let me let go.  Please.  It was so much better when I didn't remember.

I know I never forgot, but I stopped thinking about it, and that's the same, right?  I can be happy when I'm not thinking about it.  But no one lets me stop thinking about it anymore and I can't take it.

I just can't take it.

I had a dream the other night.  I guess I've kept having it, every week or so.  I'm lying in bed and the streetlights are coming in and I can see the shadows on my wall, and then every sound in my room, every sound goes quiet, and the shadows start to whisper to me.

The tell me, "Arise, Boudica!"


It's what I named my blog after.  I just thought it sounded cool but maybe I should do what my subconscious is telling me.  Maybe  I should stop letting myself be wronged.

Maybe I should prove that these people are hurting me.

Maybe I should start hurting them back.

You Never Know

Have some free time, finally, now that it's break, so I thought I'd update this.  Things have been going...well.  Mostly well, anyway.   It's just hard sometimes, you know?  Nothing's really happened to me, just been sad, a lot.  Getting sad pretty often these days.  Not sure why.  Maybe it's the seasons changing.

But school, relationships, and family are all going well.  Faith's girlfriend is really, really cool.

I have some more family togetherness to get to!  I'll try to keep this updated more often.

<3

My Therapy

I had my first new session today.

I hate therapy.  I hate letting everything out.  There are just things I don't like to talk about.

She was really nice, though.  The therapist, I mean.  She listened and it didn't feel like she was judging me.  It was a good thing, though, even if I wasn't really comfortable with it.

The other people waiting, though...I swear they were whispering about me on my way out.  The Boyfriend says I'm just anxious and depressed and that's affecting my view of others.  He's probably right.

Otherwise the week's going great, though.  I'm nervous about all those papers I turned in, though.  Especially since I have like three more due on Monday.

Some days it does not pay to be a senior in rhet.

Slightly Better

Doing a bit better now, mostly because I'm busy!  It is mid-term paper season, and in addition to my 400-level rhet papers, I had the brilliant idea to take some 400-level lit classes this year too.  Oh well, at least I like writing papers.

So glad I decided against the high level sciences this semester.  That'd be next semester.

Science is pretty amazing, though, so that'll be a fun way to close out my last semester.

Anyway, two papers down, two to go!

<3 everybody who made me feel better over the weekend.  You know who you are!

A Bad Day

So I had an off day.  It's to be expected, really.

I know I should go back to therapy but I honestly thought I was starting to improve, you know?  I thought I'd had a breakthrough.

Then, when I was walking across the quad, some random group of jerks yelled at me.  Yelled that I was a whore.

I know they were just being mean to be mean, but no one reacted.  No one called them on it and I just put my head down and took the abuse.

I've been here in my apartment sobbing for a while.  I called off work and skipped the rest of my classes for the day.  My roommate was super cool, though.  She went out and got me some ice cream.  I feel a little better now, but I'm starting to think I should call up the student clinic and restart therapy.  Normal people don't fall apart from one insult.

What sort of world do we live in, where someone can just scream insults at you and no one does anything about it?

I need a hug.  I'll be sure to keep this thing updated.