Poise and Rationality

I'm being sent off tomorrow.

Faith's in here, in my room, trying to make sure I don't hurt myself.  I tried to, yesterday.  He's not even letting my Boyfriend and my Roommate in.  I wish he wasn't letting himself in, too.  I don't think he's safe, here.  I don't think they like that he's here.

They won't stop.  Even with my brother here they won't stop.  But he doesn't hear them.  No one hears them.  Except me.  And they keep talking.  Whispering at me.  Taunting me.

I feel sick.  The grey on my arms is growing and I don't know why.  I don't think I bruised them.  I don't remember bruising them.

But I'm hearing things, so I guess I'm not the best judge.

They still want me to rise.  I don't want to.  I don't want to think about it.

I guess they'll make it so I won't.  They'll make it so I don't have to remember.

I'm not sure what I'll do if they don't.

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head

I don't know where to start.

One of my professors called me a whore on Friday.  I raised my hand, answered the question and he said, "I guess a whore's good for more than one thing sometimes."

The whole class laughed at me.  They just laughed and laughed and I ran out of the lecture hall.

And no one believes me.  Not even my therapist.  Not even my boyfriend.  They think I'm hearing things.  I'm starting to wonder if they've ever believed me.  If anyone's ever believed me.

I've just been crying all weekend.  My Roommate keeps trying to talk to me but I don't want to talk to her.

It's not fair.  I know saying that sounds like something a brat would say, but it's true.  I just want a break.  It's like the universe or my brain or something doesn't want me to forget and just move on and be happy.

I want to be happy.  I miss being happy.  My therapist just tells me I need to try.  She says that I like being miserable, that it's so comfortable I just assume the worst out of everything rather than try to make my life easier, but it's not true.  It's not, I hate this, I hate it so much but no one will let me be happy, just be happy, just once.

I just want to be happy.  It's not too much to ask.  Just let me go on.  Just let me let go.  Please.  It was so much better when I didn't remember.

I know I never forgot, but I stopped thinking about it, and that's the same, right?  I can be happy when I'm not thinking about it.  But no one lets me stop thinking about it anymore and I can't take it.

I just can't take it.

I had a dream the other night.  I guess I've kept having it, every week or so.  I'm lying in bed and the streetlights are coming in and I can see the shadows on my wall, and then every sound in my room, every sound goes quiet, and the shadows start to whisper to me.

The tell me, "Arise, Boudica!"


It's what I named my blog after.  I just thought it sounded cool but maybe I should do what my subconscious is telling me.  Maybe  I should stop letting myself be wronged.

Maybe I should prove that these people are hurting me.

Maybe I should start hurting them back.

Slightly Better

Doing a bit better now, mostly because I'm busy!  It is mid-term paper season, and in addition to my 400-level rhet papers, I had the brilliant idea to take some 400-level lit classes this year too.  Oh well, at least I like writing papers.

So glad I decided against the high level sciences this semester.  That'd be next semester.

Science is pretty amazing, though, so that'll be a fun way to close out my last semester.

Anyway, two papers down, two to go!

<3 everybody who made me feel better over the weekend.  You know who you are!

A Bad Day

So I had an off day.  It's to be expected, really.

I know I should go back to therapy but I honestly thought I was starting to improve, you know?  I thought I'd had a breakthrough.

Then, when I was walking across the quad, some random group of jerks yelled at me.  Yelled that I was a whore.

I know they were just being mean to be mean, but no one reacted.  No one called them on it and I just put my head down and took the abuse.

I've been here in my apartment sobbing for a while.  I called off work and skipped the rest of my classes for the day.  My roommate was super cool, though.  She went out and got me some ice cream.  I feel a little better now, but I'm starting to think I should call up the student clinic and restart therapy.  Normal people don't fall apart from one insult.

What sort of world do we live in, where someone can just scream insults at you and no one does anything about it?

I need a hug.  I'll be sure to keep this thing updated.