Poise and Rationality

I'm being sent off tomorrow.

Faith's in here, in my room, trying to make sure I don't hurt myself.  I tried to, yesterday.  He's not even letting my Boyfriend and my Roommate in.  I wish he wasn't letting himself in, too.  I don't think he's safe, here.  I don't think they like that he's here.

They won't stop.  Even with my brother here they won't stop.  But he doesn't hear them.  No one hears them.  Except me.  And they keep talking.  Whispering at me.  Taunting me.

I feel sick.  The grey on my arms is growing and I don't know why.  I don't think I bruised them.  I don't remember bruising them.

But I'm hearing things, so I guess I'm not the best judge.

They still want me to rise.  I don't want to.  I don't want to think about it.

I guess they'll make it so I won't.  They'll make it so I don't have to remember.

I'm not sure what I'll do if they don't.

Apology

I guess I got a little crazy last night. Sorry.  I just got really frustrated, you know?

Had a long talk with my Boyfriend today.  He's right, of course he's right.  I must be hearing things.  No teacher could just say that in the middle of class.  He'd be fired immediately!

Maybe....maybe I should check myself in somewhere for a while.  Maybe I have a chemical imbalance or something.  That's nothing to be ashamed of.  Lots of people need to take meds to get more functional in society.

I'll talk it over with my therapist.  Faith's girlfriend Daphne says I could probably get finals and final papers postponed if I get a note from my therapist, too.  So I can treat whatever's wrong with me.

Maybe this won't be so bad.  I can get through this.  I've gotten through so much else, I can definitely get through this.

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head

I don't know where to start.

One of my professors called me a whore on Friday.  I raised my hand, answered the question and he said, "I guess a whore's good for more than one thing sometimes."

The whole class laughed at me.  They just laughed and laughed and I ran out of the lecture hall.

And no one believes me.  Not even my therapist.  Not even my boyfriend.  They think I'm hearing things.  I'm starting to wonder if they've ever believed me.  If anyone's ever believed me.

I've just been crying all weekend.  My Roommate keeps trying to talk to me but I don't want to talk to her.

It's not fair.  I know saying that sounds like something a brat would say, but it's true.  I just want a break.  It's like the universe or my brain or something doesn't want me to forget and just move on and be happy.

I want to be happy.  I miss being happy.  My therapist just tells me I need to try.  She says that I like being miserable, that it's so comfortable I just assume the worst out of everything rather than try to make my life easier, but it's not true.  It's not, I hate this, I hate it so much but no one will let me be happy, just be happy, just once.

I just want to be happy.  It's not too much to ask.  Just let me go on.  Just let me let go.  Please.  It was so much better when I didn't remember.

I know I never forgot, but I stopped thinking about it, and that's the same, right?  I can be happy when I'm not thinking about it.  But no one lets me stop thinking about it anymore and I can't take it.

I just can't take it.

I had a dream the other night.  I guess I've kept having it, every week or so.  I'm lying in bed and the streetlights are coming in and I can see the shadows on my wall, and then every sound in my room, every sound goes quiet, and the shadows start to whisper to me.

The tell me, "Arise, Boudica!"


It's what I named my blog after.  I just thought it sounded cool but maybe I should do what my subconscious is telling me.  Maybe  I should stop letting myself be wronged.

Maybe I should prove that these people are hurting me.

Maybe I should start hurting them back.

My Therapy

I had my first new session today.

I hate therapy.  I hate letting everything out.  There are just things I don't like to talk about.

She was really nice, though.  The therapist, I mean.  She listened and it didn't feel like she was judging me.  It was a good thing, though, even if I wasn't really comfortable with it.

The other people waiting, though...I swear they were whispering about me on my way out.  The Boyfriend says I'm just anxious and depressed and that's affecting my view of others.  He's probably right.

Otherwise the week's going great, though.  I'm nervous about all those papers I turned in, though.  Especially since I have like three more due on Monday.

Some days it does not pay to be a senior in rhet.

Slightly Better

Doing a bit better now, mostly because I'm busy!  It is mid-term paper season, and in addition to my 400-level rhet papers, I had the brilliant idea to take some 400-level lit classes this year too.  Oh well, at least I like writing papers.

So glad I decided against the high level sciences this semester.  That'd be next semester.

Science is pretty amazing, though, so that'll be a fun way to close out my last semester.

Anyway, two papers down, two to go!

<3 everybody who made me feel better over the weekend.  You know who you are!

Waxing Romantic

I <3 him so much.

If you need me, I'll be over here, swooning.

Also, scrambling like mad to finish this paper, but mostly swooning.

Day One!

Hey everyone!  Welcome to my blog!

My name's Charity Hopewell (yes that is my real name.  Hey, at least I'm not my brother Faith), and I'm a senior in rhetoric.  I'm not comfortable giving out more information than that, though.  Sorry!

...I just realized that giving out my name might not be the best idea.  Oh well!  It may be a silly name but I like it too much to use  a different one.

Anyway, just starting a blog because it seems like everyone's starting them these days!  It's all I ever hear anyone talking about on campus.

Anyway, I have a study-date with the Boyfriend!  See you all later!

<3 Charity