Poise and Rationality

I'm being sent off tomorrow.

Faith's in here, in my room, trying to make sure I don't hurt myself.  I tried to, yesterday.  He's not even letting my Boyfriend and my Roommate in.  I wish he wasn't letting himself in, too.  I don't think he's safe, here.  I don't think they like that he's here.

They won't stop.  Even with my brother here they won't stop.  But he doesn't hear them.  No one hears them.  Except me.  And they keep talking.  Whispering at me.  Taunting me.

I feel sick.  The grey on my arms is growing and I don't know why.  I don't think I bruised them.  I don't remember bruising them.

But I'm hearing things, so I guess I'm not the best judge.

They still want me to rise.  I don't want to.  I don't want to think about it.

I guess they'll make it so I won't.  They'll make it so I don't have to remember.

I'm not sure what I'll do if they don't.

Eventuality

My parents have Faith is here keeping an eye on me.  Making sure I don't do anything rash.

It was just one sleeping pill.  I wasn't trying to kill myself.  I just didn't want any dreams.  I don't want to be awake, either.

They keep happening.  I dream I wake up and the shadows are talking to me.  They're telling me that revenge will solve all my problems.  They're telling me all I have to do is sever the source of my troubles and they'll all just  fade away.

That I have to rise.  Rise as Boudica.

But they're not just dreams anymore.  I catch whispers wherever I go.  At some point, the background noise gets dimmer and the shadows start whispering and they keep saying the same things.  I think I'm coming apart.

I don't know what to do.  I can't stop the voices.  I try to cover my ears but then I hear it in the sound of my ears being covered.

And when I do sleep, when I wake up...there are bruises on my arms.  Grey spots all over them.  What am I doing to myself?

Faith won't let me leave.  Not for any reason.  I guess it's for my own good.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  Am I really hearing voices?  Am I really going crazy?

Apology

I guess I got a little crazy last night. Sorry.  I just got really frustrated, you know?

Had a long talk with my Boyfriend today.  He's right, of course he's right.  I must be hearing things.  No teacher could just say that in the middle of class.  He'd be fired immediately!

Maybe....maybe I should check myself in somewhere for a while.  Maybe I have a chemical imbalance or something.  That's nothing to be ashamed of.  Lots of people need to take meds to get more functional in society.

I'll talk it over with my therapist.  Faith's girlfriend Daphne says I could probably get finals and final papers postponed if I get a note from my therapist, too.  So I can treat whatever's wrong with me.

Maybe this won't be so bad.  I can get through this.  I've gotten through so much else, I can definitely get through this.

You Never Know

Have some free time, finally, now that it's break, so I thought I'd update this.  Things have been going...well.  Mostly well, anyway.   It's just hard sometimes, you know?  Nothing's really happened to me, just been sad, a lot.  Getting sad pretty often these days.  Not sure why.  Maybe it's the seasons changing.

But school, relationships, and family are all going well.  Faith's girlfriend is really, really cool.

I have some more family togetherness to get to!  I'll try to keep this updated more often.

<3

Slightly Better

Doing a bit better now, mostly because I'm busy!  It is mid-term paper season, and in addition to my 400-level rhet papers, I had the brilliant idea to take some 400-level lit classes this year too.  Oh well, at least I like writing papers.

So glad I decided against the high level sciences this semester.  That'd be next semester.

Science is pretty amazing, though, so that'll be a fun way to close out my last semester.

Anyway, two papers down, two to go!

<3 everybody who made me feel better over the weekend.  You know who you are!

Day One!

Hey everyone!  Welcome to my blog!

My name's Charity Hopewell (yes that is my real name.  Hey, at least I'm not my brother Faith), and I'm a senior in rhetoric.  I'm not comfortable giving out more information than that, though.  Sorry!

...I just realized that giving out my name might not be the best idea.  Oh well!  It may be a silly name but I like it too much to use  a different one.

Anyway, just starting a blog because it seems like everyone's starting them these days!  It's all I ever hear anyone talking about on campus.

Anyway, I have a study-date with the Boyfriend!  See you all later!

<3 Charity